Thursday, November 8, 2012

Breathless


A great time is starting tonight over at dVerse, where Raivenne has challenged us to write a poem in Than Bauk form. Never tried this before, but it was good to stretch out a bit--I enjoy playing around with words and sounds. Hope I came close to adhering to the formal rules. (For some reason, this one turned out far darker than I intended.)

Breathless

I should have gone
when day dawned, you
withdrawn inside

yourself. You’d sighed,
a gulf wide, sheer
divide between

us. Still between
sheets, crime scene, blue-
light sheen, breathless.

36 comments:

  1. nice...i like how you dont let the stanzas constrain you, overlapping into the next....dang on that last stanza too...that was quite a scary turn to the blue lights (body fluid) breathless has an all together different meaning...

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    1. It started out to be a romantic poem--who can say how these things happen?! Thanks Brian.

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  2. this is really great. who says dark is bad? i loved it!

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    1. Thank you, Miriam, I appreciate that!

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  3. Wow--darkly and beautifully done. Yes, new turn on the word breathless by the end. Fantastic work here, Nico!

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    1. I thank you, Susan. I guess I watch too many Criminal Minds episodes or something.

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  4. What a turn and I agree with Brian that the lack of constraint between stanzas improves the flow. Fantastic, pitch perfect darkness.

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    1. Anna, thanks. The flow was the hardest part for me--the staggered rhyme can get pretty choppy, which is good for some things but not what I was after here.

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  5. Clearly chained, not staircased - interesting and cool enjambment and line breaking. It was dark, and liquid. Well done!

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    1. Thank you, Gay. For me, the challenge with form is to make it transparent, so that the words are in the forefront and the form in the background. I'm so happy you found some liquidity in this!

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  6. I love the storytelling that shines through the form here. I always welcome the dark stuff, haha.
    Gene

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    1. Thanks Gene, I'm happy you enjoyed it!

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  7. Nico,

    That was well done. Very, very well. I particularly liked how you ended the tercet:

    Still between
    sheets, crime scene, blue-
    light sheen, breathless.

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    1. Alberto, thanks for your kind comment.

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  8. I love dark... You controlled that form and mastered it well!

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    1. Thanks Gayle. I felt like the form mastered me, but I'm glad you liked it!

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  9. A nice piece, with sharp shifts from sensual to lethal; like Brian, I dig your run on changes from stanza to stanza; like me you stayed with the basic 4-3-2 climbing rhyme scheme; enjoyed it a lot.

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    1. Glenn, thanks much. As I mentioned, the shift from sensual to lethal was a surprise even to me!

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  10. Whoa! Dark? yes, but I love what you've done this Than Bauk stair. I was so engrossed in the telling, I had to go back and study the form. Bravo on a job so well done!

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    1. Raivenne, thanks for the challenging prompt--I'm happy you liked my attempt.

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  11. oh my....from romance to crime scene...i didn't see that coming...well played on the form sir

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    1. Thanks Claudia, sometimes love and hate are too closely connected!

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  12. really cool response to the very fun form to work with. Nicely done. Thanks

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    1. Fred, thank you--yes, it was fun, even if difficult.

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  13. Excellent fun, neat response to the prompt.

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    1. I thank you, Dave, and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

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  14. Stunning use of language and form. Loved it!

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  15. Stunning use of language and form. Loved it!

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, Robin.

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  16. I think "Breathless" is a perfect title. I know you said dark, but I don't know...it leaves me feeling a bit sad--although maybe sad and dark could be considered siblings.

    really nice job with the form.

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    1. Thank you, RMP. I find sad and dark are closely related--that's just the way I'm wired, I guess!

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  17. Ouch, surprising ending. Superbly done - well use of enjambment --- I didn't even think of using it in this form.

    Excellent, as always.

    Since you enjoyed my method of generating my form, I thought you'd like to know that I have up-loaded the file and others can use it now if they'd like. Click here to see it!

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    1. Sabio, thanks--I tend to push forms to their limits, for some reason. Thanks for sending along the file--it will be useful for the next than bauk I attempt!

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    1. Thanks LD, I appreciate that very much.

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  19. This was a brilliant flow of thoughts, from one line to the next ... I loved the way you moved along with your words ... well done !!!

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