On Our Last
Day
On our last day, a backyard swing
Ka-reeked and squawked. You took the ring
I’d given
you, a promise made
Before
our love began to fade
Like some forgotten sun-struck thing,
And threw it. The last day of spring—
A fine time for abandoning
This
ever-sickening masquerade.
On
our last day,
The kids outside began to sing
Some rhyming song. (“Bye Baby Bunting”
I think
it’s called.) And while they played
I gripped
your neck and pulled the shade,
Heard Daddy’s
gone a-hunting,
on our last
day.-------------------------------------------
Tony Maude hosts tonight's dVerse Form For All with an invitation to write a rondeau. I hadn't written this form in years, but Tony's excellent article gives the pertinent information. With so many matching rhymes the form is a challenge: R(efrain)aabba-aabR-aabbaR. I stayed pretty traditional throughout; however, I did take some slight liberties with meter in the last stanza since it seemed to fit the unsettled, degenerating mindset of the narrator.
a fine time for abandoning....dang. that whole middle stanza is taut with emotion...ever sickening masquerade...whoa...what a close though...mommy doesnt sound like she is going to meet her ending as well...
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian--I let my oldest daughter read it before I sent it in; she exclaimed, "Gosh, Dad, what's WRONG with you!" I knew I had accomplished my goal.
DeleteWhew, what a dark tale ~ The second verse is specially well done ~ Good work on the form Nico~ Cheers ~
ReplyDeleteThanks Grace--a little Halloween cheer for the end of October, I guess.
DeleteChilling...and a fine use of the form. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks Shanyn--I like the way form can be pushed and pulled in unusual ways.
DeleteYikes - you have definitely taken this to an unexpected place! Good job! Crazy - but well done! k. (This is manicddaily).
ReplyDeleteThanks Karin--crazy is right! While I was writing it I kept thinking of Browning's "Porphyria's Lover," one of his "Madhouse Cells" poems.
DeleteNico, a ride on the dark side with some powerful words to pull it off so nicely...
ReplyDeleteThanks Truedessa--it's a bit frightening how love can morph into raging hatred.
Deleteyowza! what a gorgeously wicked twist ~ M
ReplyDeleteThanks M--wickedness can make for good poetry!
DeleteOh you really brought this home to a dark end. The swing the children and the hunting. So much told between the lines.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bjorn--I felt that including children at play helped set a darker mood.
DeleteLove the fact that each line follows the form, but the thoughts don't end with the line. It gives the poem a lot of depth.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bryan--I really enjoy writing traditional forms, but I also enjoy pushing against the strictures of line. Order and chaos.
DeleteOh dear, dear - what an outcome. A great dark tale (reminds me of Nick Cave's murder ballads).
ReplyDeleteThanks Rowan--I grew up on country and bluegrass music, so murder ballads are near and dear to my heart!
DeleteThis started off so romantically - and went quickly downhill from there, in mood not in quality ... smiles.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you've used the stanzas to tell the different scenes in the story; and playing with the meter to indicate the increasing degeneration of the narrator's mental state is really effective.
Thanks Tony--in order to hide the fact that I struggle to write a decent romantic poem, I usually end them in murder. So far my strategy has worked!
DeleteOh so very good and a brilliant dark (and unexpected) ending. Sometimes people just get angry...!
ReplyDeleteAnna :o]
Thanks Anna--this is definitely not how I recommend ending a relationship!
Deletememories are like this, sometimes sweet, sometime sour!
ReplyDeleteThanks Vandana--maybe sometime I can try to rewrite this into a sweeter ending. That would be a fun challenge!
DeleteYou had fun with this rhyming lark and made it your modern own. Wish I coud do that.
ReplyDeleteBTW, just so you know: I have christened you Shaune Lockes.
Thanks Aprille--I did have a lot of fun with this!
DeleteOh my... I didn't expect the ending to be that dark! It's a good job we let our dark sides out in creative form.... Your daughter's reaction is sublime! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Freya--I didn't expect it either!
DeleteDefinitely shades of true country music (three-minute gothic novels) here. The inclusion of the kids adds to the dark tone and intensifies the grim ending. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThanks V. B., I'm happy you liked it.
DeleteWow..'bye baby bunting' took me back in time..and the darker aspect in contrast...a father leaving his children ( or could be someone in throws of pain of a relationship gone bad)...either way, a deft way of describing the angst of it all.
ReplyDeleteThanks Katy--I've always thought the first verse to that song sounded creepy!
DeleteOh, how cleverly you lead us up to that final revelation! A story well told, and a masterly use of the form.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rosemary--I hoped there would be enough suspense to keep readers reading until the end!
DeleteTwisted ending.... Love it!
ReplyDelete