Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Alterity

For dVerse OpenLinkNight. Short and sweet. Share your poem, long or short, polished or still in progress.

Alterity

That vast space between

I                            
                                 you.

Under
a gibbous moon,
philosophy failed,

and there I laid you
down, I laid you down.
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38 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 21, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    MMM,mmmmm. Sweetly succinct.

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  2. TimoteoMay 21, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    Philosophy failed...but something else worked.. one outta two ain't bad!

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:12 AM

      Thanks Timoteo--yes, and the one that worked is my preference anyway.

      Delete
  3. Brian MillerMay 21, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    excellent short verse...nice musicality to it as well...the repetition in the end is great...the distance, nice the way you show it as well...but then again, you got what you got...smiles.

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:14 AM

      Thanks Brian, there are ways to overcome the distances.

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  4. ScarletMay 21, 2013 at 5:16 PM

    Short and sweet I like very much ~ I like the format of the words, and repetitive echo of the two ~

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:15 AM

      Thanks Grace, the repetition just seemed right.

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  5. MaryMay 21, 2013 at 5:42 PM

    Sometimes SHORT works. In this case, it does.
    Sometimes the space between people just is.

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:16 AM

      Thanks Mary, I've been drawn to shorter pieces recently, fascinated by how little needs to be said to say what you wish.

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  6. rallentandaMay 21, 2013 at 7:31 PM

    Why does this make me think of the Waters of Babylon? :)

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:19 AM

      Thanks R.--well, that's a different laying down entirely!

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  7. Laurie KolpMay 21, 2013 at 7:49 PM

    It may be short, but it really packs a punch (that's what I like about shorter poems).

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:20 AM

      Thanks Laurie, it's enjoyable to pare down a poem to the essentials. This actually started out a much longer piece, but I cut words out and left the space between.

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  8. AnonymousMay 21, 2013 at 7:49 PM

    Evocative, concise write...that's talent!

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:21 AM

      Thanks Victoria, you know I like story-like poems, but I enjoy this as well.

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  9. ayalaMay 21, 2013 at 9:24 PM

    Short and sweet, lovely.

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  10. mrs mediocrityMay 21, 2013 at 9:25 PM

    Very nice... The form really adds to the words. I love the title!

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:26 AM

      Thanks Kelly Jo, I don't usually mess around with lines like this, I'm glad it worked out.

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  11. flaubertMay 21, 2013 at 11:38 PM

    Nico, the form works well with the message and the title is superb.

    Pamela

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  12. AnonymousMay 22, 2013 at 12:13 AM

    I know the words could conjure many a meaning, but I felt like at a funeral, or at least the vision of onem representing something else. But the feeling is strong, and point well made. No more words needed at a time like this. Excellente

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:31 AM

      Thanks Henry--that's part of the fun, especially with short poems. Plenty of space for interpretation. I like the way you read this. The lines "Under / a gibbous moon" were originally "Yet under / a gibbous moon"--the "yet" would probably remove the ambiguity, but the more I think of it as I'm writing this comment the more I like the ambiguity. Thanks!

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  13. ClaudiaMay 22, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    bridging the distance...nice set up of the scene...like a little clip and yet such deep emotions in it..

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  14. Linda RogersMay 22, 2013 at 12:45 AM

    Short, Sweet, Delish...

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  15. brudbergMay 22, 2013 at 3:16 AM

    Very nice how you brought down the distance... I like it a lot

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 9:37 AM

      Thanks Bjorn, distances are made to be overcome.

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  16. UnknownMay 22, 2013 at 4:57 PM

    Perfectly concise...and what a way to bridge the gap. Loved this!

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    1. JeffMay 22, 2013 at 7:54 PM

      Thanks Rowan--philosophy is of limited value!

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  17. kelvin s.m.May 22, 2013 at 10:25 PM

    ..so close but yet so far... ah, the vastness is hard to define... yet silence is even more bigger here... excellent! smiles...

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  18. RMPMay 22, 2013 at 11:23 PM

    I do find it amazing how so much can be said, felt, and awakened in such few words. lovely. (it's been awhile since I toyed with geometric sequences and series...I can only begin to imagine what fun that homework help must have been.)

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    1. JeffMay 23, 2013 at 7:31 AM

      Thanks RMP--for whatever reason, I'm in a short-poem phase right now. I like it. Oh Lord, the math. No offense, but give me words any day!

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  19. Cressida de NovaMay 23, 2013 at 10:20 AM

    This is strangely lovely...and I'm not sure why!

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    1. JeffMay 24, 2013 at 4:25 PM

      Thanks Cress--that's pretty much the reaction I was aiming for!

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